Breasts in the West or Is The Outlaw the Gayest Cowboy Movie Ever Made?

Having read quite a bit about the famous and infamous Howard Hughes, I have never seen any of the films he made, so I thought I would start with the controversial film, The Outlaw. This film became the scandal du jour mainly because of the impressive 38D boobs of a 19 year old Jane Russell. For 1941, there was supposed outrage over the astute attention the camera paid to her impressive rack. This delayed a general release for years and when it finally did reach theaters, it became a huge box office hit. Success mainly came based on all the press Russell's boobs attracted. For the record, the film by today's standards is wildly tame and would easily have earned a PG rating without one raised eyebrow.

But a D cup size was not what stood out most for me in this strange movie. The West is portrayed not only as a nice place, but fucking Pussyville. Cold blooded killers apologizing to one another on a regular basis and no tries to kill each other in order to be the only one to bang Russell. Those minor points can easily be overlooked in the midst of the raging homoerotic subtext of Jesse James and Doc Holiday friendship in this film. Jane Russell's character Rio is barely even considered, much less payed attention to as James and Holiday playfully steal a horse back and forth from each other. There is also little to no gun play and everyone is quick to apologize to one another and ever act sad when they feel they are doing one another wrong.

Here is some dialog between the newly acquainted outlaws pretty early in the plot:

Doc Holiday: You can't fool me, good looking boy like you. You must have a girl somewhere?

Jesse James: I don't trust 'em.

If you are going for the gay cowboy thing, go rent Lust in the Dust or Brokeback Mountain, but if you must suffer through The Outlaw, smoke a little bit more with each suggestive scene between James and Holiday. Here's a little more of that winning dialog which might rival Why can't I quit you!

Jesse James: Doc, if you're not already fixed up, you can bunk with me tonight.

Retro Movie Moments - Stranger Than Paradise

Jim Jarmusch: Indy cool before it was cool.

From Bronson to Bain - Tom Hardy

If you are having doubts that Tom Hardy is too pretty to play Bain in Christopher Nolan's next Batman film, you need to make a run by your local dispensary (or where ever you buy your meds) and then rent Bronson. Hardy is absolutely frightening as famous serial English inmate Michael Gordon Peterson who changed his name to Charles Bronson. Netflix cultists, this is available as a streaming movie if you care to watch it right away.

Roger Moore - License to Cheese

MGM got some of its financing secured and announced the next James Bond (this will be the 23rd in the series) with Daniel Craig will start shooting soon for a 2012 release. Where Craig has added a brute physicality to his role as 007, I want to give credit due to the man who took the role and perfected the cheese - Sir Roger Moore. Where Bond has always had the habit for quips and one liners, Moore took it to a new level with his delivery, practically mugging right into camera. A stoned salute to Moore for making the spy with a license to kill a Vaudeville act all his own.

I Bet My Old Man Can Beat Up Your Old Man: What Bruce Willis Should Learn From Clint & Michael

Action heroes don't get old, they only get replaced or get their films remade. Time is a constant, a punisher, and it's not going anywhere, but eventually we are. A friend of mine who used to be a writer in Hollywood told me that in the entertainment industry, you can never get sick or old. This is when you stop having your calls returned; this is when the gigs dry up, unless you've got the juice.

Bruce Willis still has some juice. Yet his stardom teeters from one which can still do some decent films (Red & The Expendables) with solid co-stars, but he often succumbs to making films with flavors of the year (sorry Tracy Morgan & Kevin Smith, but Cop Out is shameful) or just idiotic premises (Surrogates anyone) which should have never been made. Maybe Willis has got another great role in him, but he has wandered into the quicksand of bad caricature and he may not be able to escape its downward sucking grip.

Our dear Bruno needs to take a page out of Clint Eastwood's playbook. Where Clint has acted, produced, and directed, Willis has only acted and produced (some very crappy television) and has played himself in two major motion pictures. So, besides Eastwood, who else can he turn to for help? Who has really only acted and achieved grace and respect while working all the time making good, bad, terrible and classic film which will be studied and enjoyed for years? Ladies and gentlemen, let's not forget about Michael Caine! He has done almost every kind of film type and genre. He has transcended caricature and has been able to reinvented himself in each role and he's never, ever, ever made a fucking vanity music album. Bruce, I submit this to you.

Update: Bruce Willis is currently talking about being in G.I. Joe 2: Retaliation so clearly he is not reading this blog.

What You Should Know About Rare Exports

Christmas is now a memory. I hope you've put away your Xmas DVD collection and tossed your tree. I keep finding pine needle in weird place like my bathroom, but I digress. Well, before you rid yourself completely of the magical glow of Christmas, I have a gift to give you and it is called Rare Exports - A Christmas Tale.

There is a dig going on in Northern Finland and they are looking for Santa Claus. They do find him and a whole lot more. Some things come naturally to Santa Claus like smelling out children or chowing down on gingerbread cookies, but you'll need to train him to coddle those kiddies on their lap rather than kidnapping them. See creepy Santas (yes, plural), a little kid who starts to divine & spout Bruce Willis dialog, lots of dead reindeer and an entrepreneur spirit which will explain many childhood questions we might feel weird about asking as adults.

As someone said the evening we watched this, Rare Exports "had an ending which ties the room together." Sit, smoke and ring in the last bit of Christmas cheer. Only 343 more shopping days left!

By the way, unlike some films, this is a Marijuana Movie Night for any night, not just the holiday season.

Cyrus (Sucks)

If you are going to smoke weed and watch movies, don't get this. Fast and unnecessary zooming in almost every shot and not very funny (or even some effectively weird) scenes make this movie confusingly boring for the stoner sensibility. Jonah Hill nailed creepy in Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Here it doesn't work which is a bummer.

Should you maybe watch it without partaking? Go for it, but you are going to waste a perfectly good hour and a half. I suggest a nap or a long walk.

Retro Movie Moments - Death Race 2000

The vision of Roger Corman. The drollness of David Carradine. The genius of Sylvester Stallone. Let the Death Race begin!

An Open Letter to Walt Disney Studios - RE: The Black Hole

Dear Disney Executives,

A hardy congratulations for your current $138,000,000 take on Tron: Legacy. I am sure you will spend it well...well, maybe not.

While I have a moment of your very important time, let me pitch you this: BLACK HOLE REMAKE IN 3-D! You are going to get all the nostalgists who saw Tron 2 back in the theaters. The fanboys at Comic Con will shit their pants! You put Johnny Depp in there as Dr. Hans Reinhardt, the whacked out scientist. I'm thinking Colin Farrell or Ryan Reynolds as the hero to get the girls something to look at and maybe throw in a Zoe Saldana for a little color. Keep everybody happy while we're at it. This is going to be huge. Huge, I tell you!

You know what else? While I'm on a roll here, this would be a great chance to maybe relaunch Gus too. You have two crucial elements which have remained, in my opinion, strangely untapped: football & jackasses. Surely an easy thing to market. I hope to hear from you soon.

Sincerely,
Your friend at Marijuana Movie Night

Accessory to Marijuana Movie Night

A very big thank you to Jocelyn Duke for designing my new blog banners.

Jocelyn is a fabulously talented artist. Do yourself a favor and check out her work on her site. You can also follow her on Twitter or Facebook for regular updates to her blog, musings on art and her pesky habit of getting songs stuck in her head through her radio sensitive fillings (or something like that).

Will We Be A Slave to the N Word?

For some of us, apparently so. Publisher NewSouth Books are deciding to use the search & replace command in order to cleanse Mark Twain's Adventures of Huckleberry Finn and Adventures of Tom Sawyer. I like a good whitewashing (pun intended) of history especially when it is of the literary or historical bent. I think it would be a good idea to rewrite our civil war as a "disagreement" between the States too. While we're at it let's call Vietnam a draw. Wow! I'm feeling better about myself already.

Next time you listen to virtually any rap song, replace nigger with slave and see how it sounds. Samuel Clemens, you pimp, this is for you!

Retro Movie Moments - The Untouchables

What marijuana enthusiast is not a nostalgic crybaby? I found myself tearing up at a recent re-watching of Braveheart. (Yes, I know, don't ask). Even I will admit there should be a personal cap to smoking some evenings so these things don't happen.

On the subject of nostalgia, over the holidays, out with friends one evening, talk turned to Chicago where I lived for some years before one too many broiling, hot summers / frozen tundra winters pushed me out. (A little thing called divorce helped too.) Chicago remains a vibrant and diverse city which still has the weird reputation around the world as being only a mob town (before it became known as home of #44). People seem to occasionally do the embarrassing tommy gun gesture with their hands as they grit their teeth. Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang! And The Untouchables probably didn't help much, but damn what a film. Costner in his prime, a fresh-faced Andy Garcia, the well worn and cast Sean Connery as the tough Irish cop and De Niro as the best Capone since Paul Muni in Scarface.

The rare quality of the films shot in Chicago is that it is always one of the main characters itself, looming in the background. The last two Batman movies are perfect examples. The list of great and often overlooked films made in Chicago is substantial so I suggest you do a little research or, fucking it, get your high on and start with the following: Thief, Continental Divide, House of Games, Henry: Portrait of Serial Killer and Go Fish. Also one of the best video stores in the country happens to be located in Chicago. If you love film of all types, be sure to check out Facets Multimedia. Their selection of art, foreign, independent or just hard to find films is unmatched.